Bottom's Up!

Well, I had my first colonoscopy yesterday (Sat.). Boy was that a trip-and-a-half. Nothing like getting a firehose shoved up the wazoo.

I have to say the worse part of the ordeal was the preliminary stuff. I had to starve myself for two days. My sister said she only had to fast for one day. When I asked the nurse why the difference, she said that only one day fasting results in more failures because the fecal material sometimes doesn't clear, thus resulting in the patient having to do it all over again. I'll take the two days.

So, once having starved myself, I then had to take a laxative the evening before. I love the name of the laxative: "GoLytely." Believe me, there was nothing light about it. I started drinking a gallon(!) of the cruddy stuff at 5pm and didn't finish drinking the whole thing until 11pm. I proceeded to visit Mrs. Murphy (for those of you old enough to remember that phrase) continuously until 1:30 in the morning.

I watched Eraser and The Negotiator on AMC in between the bathroom visits. No-brain movies...perfect. Fortunately I had seen both several times so I didn't miss anything as I sat on the pot.

Saturday morning comes the moment of truth. I'm lying on the gurney and the nurse is prepping me. My blood pressure is 159 (I wonder why?) and I have no idea what to expect. She tells me that I'm getting the Big C instead of a sphygmoidoscopy because I had "occult blood" in my stool sample. "Occult" meaning it can't be seen by the naked eye. Now THAT'S comforting!

Next the poor nurse couldn't find a vein to insert the medication needle, so she had to get another nurse to try. She couldn't find one at first, but on the third try...success! Now I'm cruising with bruising at three places on my right arm. Bleh!

So off I go into the main event. The doctor proceeds to tell me about all the horrible things that can go wrong (e.g., rupturing the intestine), then a hearty, "Sign here!" Followed by a "State your name, social security and the procedure your about to have." Ah, we're being taped. Great... I thought about throwing out a few F-bombs for G.P., but decided against it.

They were really nice people. The anesthetist was a gorgeous blond (Her name was Amanda), fortunately, she didn't have an up-close and personal view of what I was going through, so that saved me. I still had a chance to be suave and debonair with her, even though my hairy ass was hanging out (where she couldn't see it).

The doctor's assistant looked like Wolverine from the X-men. I could barely see his face with all the hair he was sporting. The words "sanitary environment" came to mind.

But to business. I turned on my left side and got to enjoy a TV showing of my innermost being. Sure was clean (Thank you two-day starvation!). Keen.

The first part of the joy ride was a bit uncomfortable, but all-in-all not that bad. And I now have ten pictures of my innards for my scrapbook. There was only one little thing that they took a biopsy of, but it looks good for me for another ten years. Yippee!

What the nurse told me was that the occult blood probably came from hemorrhoids.  She also said that everybody has hemorrhoids of one kind or another. I didn't know that. Maybe she was just shining me on.

Funny enough, I never felt drugged up. Good job by the gorgeous anesthetist.  Too bad she's about twenty years younger than me...and married...we could have had beautiful children together. Hmmm...maybe I was drugged up...

Colonoscopy: A lovely experience that I'm glad I don't have to endure again for ten years. Excepting of course the results of the biopsy. The one thing that makes me feel good is that I know I won't have colon cancer surprisingly rearing up its ugly head and killing me. That alone was worth the journey, and I recommend it for everyone whom doctors feel should get one. It will allay a lot of fear.